Can I hear it for the nails
*TW: mention of medication usage because I am a charcuterie board of crazy *
The other night I Netflix and chilled by myself; I watched Taylor Tomlinson’s new comedy special called Look at You. I also proceeded to humiliatingly and hilariously stalk her on Instagram and type out a pretend message professing my love for her and of course, got distracted by the fun effects you can send in the DMs. Long story short, I sent the message accidentally, with the effect of a wrapped present, along with 6 more messages trying to convince both of us I was not some insane stalker. All sent from my dog’s account. I am taking suggestions for my new identity, please comment with my new name and backstory.
Anyways, the point of this ramble was that Taylor talks in her special, so openly and earnestly about her mental health journey. I laughed, I cried, I screamed f**k men and then I started it over and watched again. The thing that really stuck with me was how she had to take different meds to treat a variety of her symptoms. For some reason, this concept niggled its way into my tiny idiot brain and made me think, what meds am I taking and what are they for? Medications react to all bodies differently, and I believe it is an equal partnership in a mental health scenario to figure out what works best for you.
I highly recommend googling what medications you’re on. I also recommend taking the medications you are prescribed. However, this is not that hill and today is not that day. BUT, my point being, one of the main things I experience are mood swings. Some call it the U-curve of anxiety and depression, some call it hormones or PMS, but I just think my highs are a wee bit too high and my lows are irritating. Turns out, one of the medications I was prescribed, but taking “as needed”, was a mood stabilizer. Why, if I have an epic loopy loop of temperaments, would I not be taking the mood stabilizer you might be wondering? Short answer because I’m stupid and long answer, because I’m dumb. I thought it was a sleeping pill so I could take it willy nilly. I was incorrect, which I am sure is a HUGE surprise a week after I threw a massive tantrum, decided to move to Ireland with my dogs and write a blog about it. But, I digress.
My point is, everybody is different. Let me say that again, every BODY is different. You know how those fitness influencers are always like blah blah blah you have to make time hoorah! Well think of me like your mental health influencer. Make time for your mental health. Pay attention to how your medications affect you, and talk to your doctor about how to best optimize them. I decided that for me, as needed insofar as it relates to the stabilization of my mood, is all the f***ing time. The Xanax I have been relying on as a crutch? Great for acute panic attacks, but isn’t helping me solve the underlying problem. I reached for the Xanax in lieu of the wine, in lieu of the weed, in lieu of the sloppy sex or whatever other self harm activity I can scheme up - all for the same reason, I wanted to numb the severity of my pain. There’s some quote about being strong enough to walk through the fire or whatever, but it’s hard to do hard things. Sitting with your feelings? Gross. I cannot emphasize enough how unpleasant I am to be around currently. Even my dogs are taking shifts playing is mommy going to cry and strangle me or snuggle me?
I keep finding myself coming back to this same thought: what do happy people do? Look around you and take stock of who you think is happy and then ask yourself, am I emulating them? I certainly wasn’t. I’m honestly not sure I even know anybody who is happy. I decided to deconstruct it further and pick and choose role models for each trait or habit i’m focused on. So, instead of drinking I am feeling (I know, I hate myself for saying that too like I might as well just stop shaving my pits and start making my own granola). And instead of smoking I am meditating. I am replacing self hatred with self awareness, and shame with compassion. To an extent… I don’t want to lose my self-depreciating humor - my personality would not survive on it’s own. I’m working to establish one small self care habit at a time. I started by making my bed. I am not perfect and I still can’t convince myself to do it on the weekends, but I make it every morning during the week. It’s such a simple thing that has such a big impact on my mindset going into the day. Whatever it is, let’s all focus on one small habit this week to make ourselves feel a smidge better so we can all suck a little less.