Ambition
I had the incredible chance to sit down with some highly respected male attorneys for lunch and speak about the legal field and its future. I designate them as male not to gender them, but to stereotype them. They could identify as purple bananas for all I care; but the fact is males have an inherent privilege in the legal field. It is 2022, but there still seems to be an issue with men getting distracted by boobs instead of words. I specify them as male, because they represent the established, trodden path that is white male privilege. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that they seemed to understand how much my words meant to me.
For the first time in my practice, I felt like my opinion meant something. I felt like they might not be able to understand me, but they wanted to learn. This opened so many ideas and options for me, simply because I felt like I didn’t have to abandon who I was for who I wanted to become. One of the questions they asked several times was along the lines of where do you see yourself in 10 years? I gave the frustrating answer of I don’t know. But that’s not the whole truth. I don’t know where I want to be, not because I am uncertain of my path, but rather, because I haven’t seen myself in anyone I’ve met yet. I am walking through my life with a machete in the jungle of corporate America and trying to figure out how and when everyone learned to play this game of “professionalism”.
One of the first things I told these men was I can be everything you want me to be, except professional. I will never be professional. I will never abandon the silly girl with a naughty smile who tries to find joy as often and in as many places as she can. I lost her for a while, but I’m finding her again and I don’t ever want to abandon her. I will never walk into a room and demand attention. I seek to assume attention, not to command it. I want to be led by people who are willing to walk the walk with me. I want less faking and more making. I want to be surrounded by people who are confident enough to say, “I don’t know the answer”, and be willing to learn together.
In my meditation, the guide was talking about success, and how the definition of success is a completely subjective concept. No one else knows what is going on inside you, and therefore, no one else can guide you to success because everyone is focused on their own demarcation. This is a scary idea for someone like me, with a tendency to throw my hat in the completely wrong ring, maybe even the wrong arena, and then double down on my bad choices. How am I supposed to guide myself, when myself is a drooling idiot?
However, the thing that resonated with me is that even if you think you make horrible choices, you must make your own choices. The people that love you the most, want the best for you. And sometimes, that might not align with what’s inside of you. But that’s ok because they can’t see inside of you. Only you can see inside you, so only you can guide yourself. Which is bulls**t, because I am not a fan of surveying the terrifying landscape that is my insides.
At this point I think my question to answer ratio is roughly a million to one, so my odds of figuring life out are pretty solid. Stay tuned.