Why I want to go to Ireland with the dogs:

I want to do this because I need to put myself back together again. I made a promise to myself that I would travel this year and I even used the picture of the trains going through the green hills. I want to dream big and go somewhere that feels like it could be home. I don’t know what home means. I’m just barely learning what it means to be able to ask for help and actually get it. I know all the bullshit about home is where the heart is but my heart is in a million different pieces scattered all over the world. Kind of like I’m burning the old me and scattering her ashes in Ireland. 

Every time I close my eyes Pia’s face haunts me. I started out the year trying to focus on work but it’s just not working. Something deep in my heart it hurts in a way that takes the breathe out of your lungs. 

Goddamnit I’m crying and I just finished putting on all my expensive creams to make me look like I haven’t spent the past 10 years chasing escape through the lens of an empty wine bottle. What if… I went to Ireland and just wrote about my healing? 

This week was atrocious and I feel a pull to sky dive out of my comfort zone by way of taking an aer Lingus flight and giggling the entire time. I have zero idea what is ahead but I’m ready to face everything behind. 

*written on March 18, 2022 by a clearly exhausted and overwhelmed human.